What if you do not know what that looks like?
What if you are one of those people that always carry around guilt? …One of those people that are always late and feel as if they never do enough. How do you even learn to do anything else if that is how you have always been? Some have tried to help me. Relax… they say. Take a break… they add. Get up earlier some suggest as I go on ad nauseam about not having enough time in my day. Really helpful, I might add. A thought I have never come across on my own… you too, right! There is the super helpful advice, to just cut back. Remove some of the stress from your life. You have heard this. You have tried to do this too, I am assuming. But then wait, maybe you are like me… which stress should I remove. I won’t feed my boys- well, nope not that one. I won’t check email after 7 pm… yeah, cannot do that either. Maybe I will accept less new business; ok well that makes no sense at all. So, here I am never enough time… too much guilt and the feeling of never doing enough.
One should just start somewhere. I know I should leave earlier so that I am not perpetually late. It isn’t that I don’t know. I see it happening, but much like a train wreck; you see it coming, but you cannot stop it. It is the “One more thing” that gets me every time. You know how it works. You are all ready to leave. You know you should go, but you see that one more thing ... if you do it, the world will be a better place. Or at least the laundry room will be. So you do it. And then low and behold …you are late. So you swear you won’t do that again. Next time you will get ready earlier, leave on time, and be one of the many that aren’t late. – The only thing that stops you, if you are like me … That “One more thing.” And how do I look past that?
The feeling of never being able to do enough is overwhelming. It stops you from being able to do those things that you see others doing. The things people keep telling you that you should be doing. That trip to just get- away, dinner out with friends, a movie, reading a book from cover to cover- just for fun. Those are the things that people like me only think about. Instead of doing them we are working, planning, running errands. We are doing all the things that we think will get us ahead, but never really do. So I ask where the grace is. Not the grace from those around me, but the grace from within myself to understand that it is ok to not slow down… to not feel guilty just because we find ourselves working endlessly. The grace to not feel bad about who I am… Are there some people that just never know what that is? Am I one of them?
Should I just accept it?
Maybe that’s the grace. Maybe it is accepting who I am- that being a workaholic is just who I am. Maybe…